The Podiatric Gravity Hypothesis
Over the Christmas break, I conducted an unofficial science experiment of which I just never got around to writing up until now.
My experiment centered around the theory that if there are toys on the floor and you are wearing no shoes you stand a 99.9% chance of either stubbing a toe on one of these toys or of stepping directly on the sharpest edge of the toy. This theory is driven by the fact that our feet have a gravitational pull roughly 100x greater than that of our own planet.
This small gravitational pull is just enough to pull any toy within a close proximity either under the foot just prior to it touching the ground or to pull the toy into the foot at a high enough rate of speed to cause massive trauma. The end result is the same: endless hopping and cursing usually followed by a violent reaction of kicking the attacking object which usually results in additional trauma.
I setup my experiment by littering the house with random toys. I actually let my lab assistants do this part for me since they are far more efficient at it than I am. The reality is that they’d in fact already done this part and continue to do so on a daily basis.
I simply walked around the house like I normally do and lo and behold I managed to step on roughly every toy possible with a few random toe stubbings littered in. Any parent of small children has conducted similar experiments inside their own home so I am confident the science community will accept my new hypothesis as an accepted theorum. If all goes well, I’ll be writing up my scientific findings in an upcoming issue of a science journal. Until then, mind your podiatric gravity.
halarious!!!